


i can't help failing to remember to forget you

by glazedsun



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Comfort/Angst, Gen, OT5 Friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-02
Updated: 2015-04-02
Packaged: 2018-03-20 22:29:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3667605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glazedsun/pseuds/glazedsun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>It’s happening again.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>It’s hard enough for Louis to come to terms with losing Eleanor. Now he’s lost Zayn, too. His best friend, partner in crime, in some ways the only one that truly understood him. How was he supposed to deal with this?</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	i can't help failing to remember to forget you

**Author's Note:**

> This is really just a little drabble I wrote after the announcement. I couldn't get this out of my head, so I wrote about it. 
> 
> Title is from the song "Crying Like a Church on Monday" by the New Radicals.

It’s happening again.

It’s hard enough for Louis to come to terms with losing Eleanor. Now he’s lost Zayn, too. His best friend, partner in crime, in some ways the only one that truly understood him. How was he supposed to deal with this?

So he deals in his own way. After the show in Jakarta, he opts to go out. So far during this tour, clubbing has been his release. Of course… usually Louis has Zayn with him. As soon as he sits down, Louis knows that this is just making everything worse. He stays for a bit, drinking heavily and conversing only lightly with Alberto and Lottie. For the most part, he graciously turns down requests for photographs. He knows that he’s not in a state he wants to share with the world.

As soon as Louis realizes he can’t take any more, that he’s on the verge of breaking down, he needs to get out. They leave the club and immediately head back to the hotel. Even though Lottie offers to stay with him tonight, bless his little sister’s heart, he can’t handle it. He doesn’t want his sister to see him fall apart; he wants to stay that strong big brother in her eyes.

The first thing that Louis does when he gets to his room is call down for room service to bring him up a bottle of their best whiskey. Luckily, it doesn’t take long to be delivered.

He’s not sure how much time passes as he sits on the floor of his suite, arms wrapped around his legs and bottle in hand. Thoughts swirl through his mind faster than he can keep up with.   
Louis remembers how he felt when his father left. He was too young to know what was happening, but he can recall just how confused and lost he felt that his father, one of Louis’ favourite people in the world at that time, had just… disappeared.

Louis remembers how he felt when his stepfather left. He was old enough then to know what was going on. He was old enough to know that it was partially, mostly, his fault. If he’d been better, done better in school, goofed around less… maybe Mark would have stayed. Maybe their family could have stayed the same. He remembers being there for his mum, and how it felt to push his own anxieties away so he could help her through it. It had been Louis and Jay against the world before, they’d get through it again. Somehow, they did, with the girls. But sometimes, moments like that night, Louis still looked back and wished that he’d been enough.

Louis remembers how he felt when Eleanor left. He remembers how things had seemed so good in Sydney. He remembers how happy he had been on that yacht with her, Liam, Sophia, Niall, and Lottie. He remembers how he’d felt like it was still him and Eleanor against the world, against all of those who wanted to tear down their relationship. But it wasn’t that simple. He remembers how things had seemed so different when he’d come back for their short break, and her voice still rings in his ears. He hadn’t been enough. Of course, those weren’t her exact words, but that was what it boiled down to. She wanted to do her own thing, she wanted to be away from the harassment and all of those who kept doubting how much they truly loved each other. Louis thought he understood. But that didn’t stop the feelings. It didn’t stop him from wishing that he’d been enough.

Louis remembers how he felt when Zayn left. He takes a long drink of the whiskey, nearly finished with the bottle by then. He remembers trying not to let the tears fall, knowing that Zayn would come back when he was ready. Except now he wasn’t. Zayn wasn’t coming back at all. Louis reflects on promising a young fan only a couple days before that they’d be back with Zayn, and he hates himself. He should have known better than promising something like that to the poor girl. He’d known that Zayn might need to be done, but he hadn’t… he hadn’t expected it. Not like this. Shifting the bottle of whiskey between his hands, he takes his newly freed hand and presses it down against the Bus 1 tattoo etched into his skin. He’s grateful for the pain, the way that it calms his racing heart slightly. Louis swallows, losing himself in a haze of memories. He’s known all along how hard their fame was on the younger boy, but he’s tried so hard to be his support. Why couldn’t he have been better? Deep down, Louis knew that there was only so much he could do. In that moment, though, in his fragile state, Louis could dwell on nothing except wishing he was enough.

Louis didn’t even realize how hard he was crying until he choked around a sob. He presses down on the tattoo again, waiting for the pressure to calm him slightly. Once he can breathe again, Louis takes a long drink of the whiskey, relishing in the burn of the alcohol. 

When he suddenly feels a hand on his shoulder, Louis lets out a choked sob again. When had they snuck in? Louis doesn’t even have to open his eyes to know exactly who was there. It’s Liam’s large hand squeezing a gentle, comforting pressure on his shoulder. It’s Niall taking the empty bottle out of his hand and setting it aside so he could squeeze in between Louis’ legs and wrap his arms around Louis’ waist. And it’s Harry next to him, head on his shoulder.

“It’s not your fault,” Liam whispers, breath warm in Louis’ ear as he sits down next to Louis and leans into him. 

“Not any of our faults,” Niall adds, fingers dancing over Louis’ spine.

“He’s still our brother,” Harry finishes, reaching up to let his thumb drag lightly across the now bruised Bus 1 tattoo.

Louis melts all of a sudden, new emotions flooding over him now that his boys were there. It was going to take him time to come to terms with this. It was going to be a really rough time for him over the next few weeks.

“I know you keep everything bottled up inside,” Liam says after a pause. “I know… you think you have to be strong for us because you’re the oldest. But you don’t, Lou.” 

Niall tilts his head up to press a very light kiss to Louis’ Adam’s apple. “Let us be your strength this time,” he whispers. Harry doesn’t say anything, but he gives Louis a sideways hug to show his agreement.

Maybe it was time. Louis wasn’t sure that he’d be able to handle this on his own, so maybe… it was time. Even if things were falling apart around him, he still has these three boys. He can do this, for him. For them. For Zayn.


End file.
